Wave of Mutilation

Last night I was reminded yet again of a sad fact of life. No matter how hard we try to fix things and make them better sometimes we just can't fix them. Sometimes its just not in our control. People go through things in life, horrible things at times. I did and so have many others. But in the end we are responsible for our own actions. I have made many mistakes but I can honestly say that after all was said and done I did my best to fix things. To move on and out of this horrible, negative dark place I fell into. For me it even meant doing something I strongly dislike like taking medication I never wanted to take. Risking losing myself in a sense to some horrible numbness that will change things in me. Whether its for the better or not has yet to be seen but I reached a point where I had no choice but to face the cold stark reality which was my life.
Without going forward with medication I managed to numb myself and change in another more damaging way. I could no longer function and respond as I wanted to. Everything was fueled by desperation . Constantly searching and losing at attaining that fleeting sense of peace and clarity and over all control which I had lost many years ago. Now , at least for the moment I can say I am calmer and more clearly in tune with the simple facts and reality which unfolds every day. I can handle it in a more positive way. Yes there are still limitations to what I can handle but I can endure with a more solid foundation than before. And unlike before now see completely that after doing my best, it still might not be enough.
Its strange though.... I feel so sad inside and even feel tears yet no tears appear. I hate it. But for now its what I must do. At least for the moment. Till then I have chosen to accept certain truths for what they are and ride out what ever storm I choose to endure. But I will no longer be a crutch or door mat. I deserve better.
I hate seeing people in pain especially those I love . Sadly I cant always help them. After all we are all in this sinking boat together. Riding the wave of mutilation.





Here are links where you can find both versions of this great Pixie's song and more.