I have a serious panic disorder which I have been trying to keep under control for about ten years . Ive tried and failed over and over. Every time I think I have it under control it blows up in my face and leaves me a complete mess. I've lost many jobs due to flipping out or being too embarrassed to return. It has taken over my life. Like many I self medicated myself taking Xanax or Ativan or what ever friends had to help me get through the attack. Probably the worse is the self medication through alcohol.
I am a huge fan of red wine. I love it !(especially with pizza ) When I go out I drink about a bottle or two of red wine to keep calm. Fortunately when I dj I have some sort of tab and it doesn't cost much ,which also adds to the problem. Rarely would I wake up hung over and it helped me sleep as the stress and anxiety keeps me up all night. BUT, recently I started waking up with a hang over and like clockwork would feel "off " later in the day and it would trigger an attack. Also not sleeping didnt help,and when I did get rest I would feel worse than before.
My attacks have become so bad that everyday was lived in fear of having another attack. I no longer want to leave the house and driving has become even harder to do. Not good considering I need to take my children to school .One moment I thought I had an ulcer or hi blood pressure. At night I couldn't sleep on my left side because I swore I felt my heart failing. I was constantly on edge and snapped at people and my kids when it became too much. It was absolutely horrible.
Several years back after my first major attack I was put on Prozac and Xanax . I hated the way I felt, I was completely zombiefied. Next I was given Paxil which also left me in a constant daze. Ive never been a fan of medication. I hate taking pills and love to think I can beat things on my own. But sadly I was very wrong. After hitting rock bottom and most aspects of my life being effected by these attacks I decided to try meds once again. After all I owed it to my children and myself.
This time I'm on Zoloft for depresion and anxiety as well as some back up meds for panic attacks.So far I havent needed the full dose as I have been doing so much better. Also I have yet to take the back up pills for panic attacks . The few times I have felt an attack coming on it quickly went away. The side effects were pretty brutal at first but after a month are really not that bad at all , with the exception of sometimes feeling as if I have no feelings. or rather the inability to feel completely sad or happy . I'm for lack of better words just "there" . I dont like this but hopefully the effect will die down a bit. I do however feel more like myself again and things were looking up. but recently stress levels have gone through the roof due to some serious issues in my life and I have felt my anxiety creeping out of its cave again. Sleeping has also become a difficult thing to do. I stay awake thinking and thinking where as before I would pass out at 11 or 10 and sleep waking up refreshed and rested. Im seriously upset about this as I was barely becoming adjusted to feeling good again. It is strange how one can become so wrapped in anguish that the actual feeling of being at peace is a shock to the system. I need to put some things in order in my life and try to push forward as I was . I cant let anything or anyone keep me down anymore. I've lived in misery and fear for so long and have come a long way and still have much to do. It just breaks my heart that I might have to leave certain things behind. Until I manage to deal with this stress it looks like I'll be welcoming back my insomnia :P ....or will I?
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